Jimmy Kimmel Roasts Bosses at ABC Upfronts, Says I Cost Our Company Billions

Jimmy Kimmel took the stage at Disney‘s upfront presentation for his annual roast of the TV industry, which was perhaps more anticipated than ever given all the turbulence in late night over the last year.

The Jimmy Kimmel Live! host let loose with his usual no holds barred jokes about broadcast and streaming — including his own ABC network bosses — just weeks after surviving yet another effort by President Trump to get his show canceled.

Here are Kimmel’s best jokes from his upfront monologue:

“I didn’t think I’d see you guys again either. Yeah, the bad boy of data and measurement solutions is back.”

“I’ve been through so much bullshit this year it actually made me appreciate this bullshit.”

“You know, usually in order for ABC to pull you off the air, you have to throw a chair at your Mormon boyfriend.”

“Yes, the President tried to get me canceled over the last six months. That’s one way to look at it. Another way, is you could also say I’ve ‘generated unparalleled engagement across a variety of platforms.’ Largely thanks to our partners in Washington, we are up 25 percent among viewers … it’s a big deal to have your numbers go up nowadays. With that said, if Johnny Carson woke up one day with my ratings, he’d have gone straight under the sink and chugged all the Drain-O.”

“I cost our company a lot of money this year, billions. It is very possible that no employee in the history of any company has cost their employer more than hiring me 24 years ago. Just from a purely mathematical standpoint, it was the worst personnel decision that Disney Corporation has ever made. Not even the captain of the Exxon Valdez did more damage.”

“I’ve had four bosses [at ABC] — Bob, Bob, Bob and [current Disney CEO] Josh. Josh D’Amaro. As in, all the shows you saw earlier will be canceled d’amaro.”

“This will be the first Super Bowl on ABC in 20 years, and we are going to milk the bejesus out of it. We are going to spend the whole year promoting what’s already the most popular thing on Earth. And as if the country isn’t already divided enough, we put the game on Valentine’s day just to be dicks. And let me tell you what the halftime show this year is going to be: The whitest shit you’ve ever seen. Goodbye, Bad Bunny. Welcome back, O-Town.”

“I was on The Late Show last night with Stephen Colbert. As you know, CBS is turning 11:35 p.m. into a least time slot least likely to offend the President with a rerun of [Byron Allen’s] Comics Unleashed from 2007 featuring Paula Poundstone and Andy Dick. Poor Stephen. It’s bad enough to lose your job. Imagine getting replaced by the owner of the Weather Channel.”

“You know, in the past, I’ve come here to mock the other network shows. It was all very competitive, but now we’re like a bunch of dirty, starving little chihuahuas under the table waiting for a chicken leg to drop. For the first time, I think ever, I am rooting for CBS. They’ve got a lot of great returning shows, and they’ve got some great new shows. NCIS: New York answers the question: What if LL Cool J partnered up with another white guy in a different city? …They’re also doing The Price Is Right at night now. On the nighttime version, instead of a flat screen TV, the winner gets a B.J. in the alley behind the studio.”

“For the first time in 18 years, CBS was not number one in total viewers. NBC is number one. Are they saying they’re number one? Are you allowed to brag about being number one when you had the Olympics and the Super Bowl? Only if you have them again next year and you don’t. NBC picked up Chicago Fire, Chicago PD and Chicago Med. Seriously, is someone at NBC fucking the mayor of Chicago?”

“Meanwhile, poor Fox was in last place again, and their big plan to turn that around is a revival of Baywatch. This is a reboot for those who watched the first 11 seasons of a Baywatch and thought, ‘But that can’t be the whole story.’”

“As for us at ABC, except for all the domestic violence, we’re doing really great. Dancing With the Stars is hotter than your grandma’s underpants at a Michael Buble show. The Rookie was among the most streamed shows among viewers under 18. Young people love The Rookie, and do you know why? I’m actually asking. Why does anyone know why this is happening?”

“Now, for those of you who are fortunate enough to not know what that means, Agentic AI is a group of autonomous systems capable of planning, making decisions and executing multi step tasks to achieve specific goals with limited human supervision. And that is a fancy way of saying: You are all fucked. They’re going to use llm’s and API’s to f-you up the ass.”